介绍： Let It Enfold You by Charles Bukowski
独白：蒂莫西·柴勒梅德 Timothée Chalamet

Either peace or happiness,
let it enfold you

when i was a young man
I felt these things were
dumb,unsophisticated.
I had bad blood,
a twisted mind,
a precarious upbringing.

I was hard as granite,
I leered at the sun.
I trusted no...

介绍： Let It Enfold You by Charles Bukowski
独白：蒂莫西·柴勒梅德 Timothée Chalamet

Either peace or happiness,
let it enfold you

when i was a young man
I felt these things were
dumb,unsophisticated.
I had bad blood,
a twisted mind,
a precarious upbringing.

I was hard as granite,
I leered at the sun.
I trusted no man and
especially no woman.

I was living a hell in small rooms,
I broke things,
smashed things,
walked through glass,
cursed.
I challenged everything,
was continually being
evicted,jailed,
in and out of fights,
in and out of my mind.
women were something
to screw and rail at,
i had no male friends,

I changed jobs and cities,
I hated holidays,
babies,
history,
newspapers,
museums,
grandmothers,
marriage,
movies,
spiders,
garbagemen,
English accents,
Spain,france,italy,walnut
and the color orange.
algebra angered me,
opera sickened me,
charlie chaplin was a fake
and flowers were for pansies.

peace an happiness to me
were signs of inferiority,
tenants of the weak
an addled mind.

but as I went on with
my alley fights,
my suicidal years,
my passage
through any number of women
it gradually began to occur to me
that I wasn't different from the others,
I was the same,

they were all fulsome with hatred,
glossed over with petty grievances,
the men I fought in alleys
had hearts of stone.
everybody was nudging,
inching,
cheating
for some insignificant ,advantage,
the lie was the weapon
and the plot was emptey,
darkness was the dictator.

cautiously,
I allowed myself to feel good
at times.
I found moments of peace
in cheap rooms
just staring at the knobs
of some dresser
or listening to the
rain in the dark.
the less i needed
the better i felt.

maybe the other life had worn me down.
I no longer found glamour
in topping somebody
in conversation.
or in mounting
the body of some poor drunken female
whose life had slipped away into sorrow.

I could never accept life as it was,
i could never gobble down
all its poisons
but there were parts,
tenous magic parts
open for the asking.

I reformulated
I don't know when,
date,time,all that
but the change occured.
something in me relaxed,
smoothed out.
i no longer had to prove
that i was a man,

I did'nt have to prove anything.

I began to see things:
coffe cups lined up
behind a counter in a cafe.
or a dog walking along a sidewalk.
or the way the mouse
on my dresser top
stopped there with its body,
its ears,
its nose,
it was fixed,
a bit of life
caught within itself
and its eyes looked at me
and they were beautiful.
then it was gone.

I began to feel good,
I began to feel good
in the worst situations
and there were plenty of those.
like say,
the boss behind his desk,
he is going to have to fire me.

I've missed too many days.
he is dressed in a suit,
necktie, glasses,
he says, "i am going to have to let you go"

"it's all right" i tell him.

He must do what he must do,
he has a wife, a house, children.expenses,
most probably a girlfreind.

I am sorry for him
he is caught.

I walk onto the blazing sunshine.
the whole day is mine
temporailiy, anyhow.

(the whole world is at the throat of the world,
everybody feels angry,
short-changed, cheated,
everybody is despondent, dissillusioned)

I welcomed shots of peace,
tattered shards of happiness.

I embraced that stuff
like the hottest number,
like high heels,breasts,
singing,the works.

(don't get me wrong,
there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism
that overlooks all basic problems
just for the sake of itself
this is a sheild and a sickness.)

The knife got near my throat again,
I almost turned on the gas again
but when the good
moments arrived again
I did'nt fight them off like an alley adversary.
I let them take me,
i luxuriated in them,
I bade them welcome home.
I even looked into the mirror
once having thought
myself to be ugly,
I now liked what
I saw,almost
handsome,yes,
a bit ripped and ragged,
scares,lumps,odd turns,
but all in all,
not too bad,
almost handsome,
better at least than
some of those movie star faces
like the cheeks of
a babys butt.

and finally I discovered
real feelings for others,
unhearleded,like latley,
like this morning,
as I was leaving,for the track,
i saw my wif in bed,
just the shape of her head there
(not forgetting
centuries of the living
and the dead and the dying,
the pyarimids,Mozart dead
but his music still there
in the room, weeds growing,
the earth turning,
the toteboard waiting for me)
I saw the shape of my wife's head,
she so still,
i ached for her life,just being there
under the covers.

i kissed her in the,forehead,
got down the stairway,
got outside,
got into my marvelouscar,
fixed the seatbelt,
backed out the drive.
feeling warm to the fingertips,
down to my foot on the gas pedal,
I entered the world
once
more,
drove down the
hill past the houses
full and emptey of people,
i saw the mailman,
honked,
he waved back at me.