介绍： 2 The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
健康与不健康的爱的区别

Speaker:Katie Hood，演讲者：凯蒂·胡德

00:00
A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
不健康的爱的第三个标志是极度嫉妒。
(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
（视频）蓝2:你为什么这么高兴？
Blue 1: She just start...

介绍： 2 The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
健康与不健康的爱的区别

Speaker:Katie Hood，演讲者：凯蒂·胡德

00:00
A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
不健康的爱的第三个标志是极度嫉妒。
(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
（视频）蓝2:你为什么这么高兴？
Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!
蓝1：她在Instagram上关注了我！
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
蓝2：你为什么这么紧张？
Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.
蓝1:她，她开始关注我了，像是无处不在。
(that’s not love)
（这不是爱）

00:04
KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade, extreme jealousy can creep in. Your partner might become more demanding, needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time, or they might start following you everywhere, online and off. Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust, frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating, and refusal to listen to you when you tell them they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them. Jealousy is a part of any human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different. There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it. Love shouldn't feel like this.
随着蜜月期的消退，极度的嫉妒悄悄的滋生。你的伴侣的要求可能会越来越多，随时想要知道你在哪以及和谁在一起，或他们可能到处跟踪你，线上以及线下。极度的嫉妒还会导致占有欲和不信任，频繁指责对方跟他人调情或不忠，并且会拒绝听你跟他们说，没有什么好担心的，你只爱他们这些话。嫉妒是人类感情中的一部分，但是极度嫉妒就不同了。它处于威胁、绝望和愤怒的边缘。爱不应当如此。

00:42
A fourth marker is belittling.
第四个标志是轻视。
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?
（视频）蓝：想出去玩吗？
Orange: I gotta study.
橘：我要学习。
Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing.
蓝：你肯定能得优，优秀的优。
(thats’ love)
（这是爱）
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?
（视频）蓝：想出去玩吗？
Orange: I gotta study.
橘：我要学习。
Blue: You'll get an F anyway, F for, F for... stupid.
蓝：你肯定不及格，你就是个傻子。
(that’s not love)
（这不是爱）

00:44
Yeah, hmm. In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons. Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing. Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts, or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense. When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting. "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break." You are silenced by these words. It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back. Their words should build you up, not break you down. They should keep your secrets and be loyal. They should make you feel more confident, not less.
是的，嗯。在不健康的爱中，语言被当作武器。本来应该是轻松愉快的谈话会变得尖酸刻薄和尴尬。也许你的伴侣是用一种伤人的方式开玩笑，或者通过讲故事和取笑你，拿你开涮， 当你告诉他们你感觉到受伤时，他们会让你闭嘴并指责你反应过度。 “你怎么这么敏感？有毛病吧，别逗了！” 这些话使你哑口无言。事情很明显，你的伴侣应该支持你。他们的话语应该增强你的信心，而不是打压你。他们应该保守你的秘密并且忠于你。他们应该让你感觉到更多的信心，而不是自卑。

01:24
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
最后，第五个标志是：易变。
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.
（视频）橘1：如果分手我会很难过。
Orange 2: I'd be sad too.
橘2：我也会很难过。
(that’s love)
（这是爱）
Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up. I'd throw myself off this step. I would! Don't try to stop me!
橘1：如果我们分手了我会很郁闷。我会从这个台阶上跳下去。我会的！不要试着去阻止我！
(that’s not love)
（这不是爱）

01:28
Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows: as tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups, hateful and hurtful comments like, "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again. By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous your relationship has become.
经常性的分分合合，情感大起大落：随着紧张程度的上升，易变性也增加。泪流满面，沮丧的争吵，随之而来的是情感上的伪装，充满仇恨和伤害的评论，比如，“你一文不值，我都不知道为什么跟你在一起！” 然后很快是道歉并保证不再发生这样的事。到此为止，你已经习惯了这种过山车似的关系，你可能都没有意识到你的这段感情已经开始朝不健康和危险的趋势发展。

01:58
It can be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, but it's fair to say that the more of these markers your relationship might have, the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be. And if your instinct is to break up and leave, which is advice so many of us give our friends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the best advice. Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence. If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.
我们可能很难识别不健康的爱和虐待之间的界限，但是公平地说，当越来越多的迹象开始出现在你的这段关系中时，你的这段关系不健康或者危险的概率就会越大。如果你的直觉告诉你该分手离开，这也是当我们的朋友陷入到不健康的关系时，我们经常给他们的建议，但这并不总是最好的选择。分手也有可能会引起暴力。如果你感到可能被虐待或已经被虐待，你就需要就如何安全地离开这段感情咨询专家的建议。

02:30
But it's not just about romantic relationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life. For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship or why every interaction with a certain family member leaves you discouraged and anxious. You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy is causing problems with colleagues at work. Understanding is the first step to improving, and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy -- some you're going to have to leave behind -- you can do your part every day to do relationships better. And here's the exciting news: it's actually not rocket science. Open communication, mutual respect, kindness, patience -- we can practice these things every day.
这些不仅仅跟浪漫的恋情有关，也不仅仅关于暴力。理解了不健康爱的信号能帮助你审视和理解生活中几乎所有的关系。你可能第一次明白为什么会对一段朋友关系失望，或者为什么每次跟某个家庭成员互动，都让你感到气馁和焦虑。你甚至可能开始注意到你的紧张和嫉妒是如何使你在工作中与同事发生矛盾的。理解是提升的第一步，你不可能使每一段不健康的关系变得健康——有些是你不得不放下的——但你可以每天做好自己的部分从而让关系变好。令人振奋的消息是：它并不是件多复杂的事。坦诚沟通、相互尊重、友善、耐心——这些东西我们每天都可以练习。

03:23
And while practice will definitely make you better, I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect. I do this for a living and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships, and still I do unhealthy things. Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast, I completely lost it. With an intentionally angry edge, I screamed, "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! You are the worst! I am going to take away screen time and dessert and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!" Anybody been there? Volatility, belittling. My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said, "Mom, that's not love."
练习一定会让你变得更好，但我不得不承认，它不会让你变得完美。我以此为生，每天都在思考和谈论健康的感情，但我还是会做不健康的事情。就在几天前我还想把我四个孩子赶出门，他们争吵、哭闹，并抱怨早餐不好吃，我完全崩溃了。下意识地带着愤怒的锋芒，我大喊道，“都给我闭嘴，照我说的做！你们糟糕透了！我要剥夺你们使用电子产品的时间和甜点以及其它任何能让你们享受生活的东西！” 有人那样做过吗？易变、轻视。 我的大儿子转过身看着我说道，“老妈，这不是爱。”

04:16
For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out. Trust me. But then I gathered myself and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud. I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.
有那么一分钟，因为他的叫板我真想宰了他。真的，相信我。但是之后我冷静下来开始思考，你知道吗，我其实觉得很骄傲。我骄傲于他有一种使我暂停愤怒的语言。

04:29
I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be for how they're treated and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met versus just accepting it. For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic, when relationship skills are one of the most important and hard to build things in life. Not only can understanding unhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearly every aspect of your life. I'm completely convinced that while love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time.
我想要我所有的小孩都明白，别人对待他们的边界在哪，并且当别人越过这个边界时，他们应该提出来而不是默默的接受。长久以来，我们都将感情当作一个温柔的话题来对待，但人际关系技巧又是生活中最重要和最难去建立的事情之一。理解不健康的信号，能防止你掉进导致不健康的爱的兔子洞，但是理解和练习维护健康关系的艺术，能全方位地提升你生活的质量。我完全深信爱是直觉和情绪，而更好去爱的能力，是一种我们都能随时间推移而学会和提高的技能。

Thank you.