介绍： 1 The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
健康与不健康的爱的区别

Speaker:Katie Hood，演讲者：凯蒂·胡德

00:03
So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust and sec...

介绍： 1 The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
健康与不健康的爱的区别

Speaker:Katie Hood，演讲者：凯蒂·胡德

00:03
So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust and security, and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. There might not be a word in the dictionary that more of us are connected to than love.
当你想到一个小孩子、一位密友或者伴侣时，脑海中很可能会跳出“爱”这个词，然后其它的情绪也会立马出现：比如欢乐和希望，兴奋、信任以及安全感，并且有时还会有悲伤和失望。 字典里可能没有一个词比爱更能说明人与人之间的紧密联系了。

00:26
Yet, given its central importance in our lives, isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? We build friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bring babies home from the hospital with the expectation that we'll figure it out. But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can be subtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of being human.
考虑到它在我们生活中的核心地位，有意思的是，我们竟然从来没有被明确地教过如何去爱。 我们从交朋友开始，然后确定恋爱关系，最后结婚生子，将小孩从医院带回家。对这一切都是怀着能顺利搞定的期望。但事实却是，我们经常伤害或不尊重所爱之人。可能是一些很小的事情，比如说让朋友感到内疚然后花时间陪你，或者偷看伴侣的短信，以及因为孩子在学校不够努力而羞辱他。我们百分之百会接收到不健康关系的行为，并且我们也百分之百会做一些不健康的事。这是人性的一部分。

01:10
In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuse and violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women and one in four men will experience in their lifetime. Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats, you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me." It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence," to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us. We just call them different things and ignore the connection. Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.
最糟糕的情况是，我们跟所爱之人的冲突所导致的伤害会演变成辱骂和暴力，而家暴是三分之一的女性和四分之一的男性一生中都会经历的。如果你跟大多数人一样，听到上述情况时， 你会说“哦，不不不，这永远不会发生在我身上。” 我们会出于本能地逃避 “虐待”和“暴力”这些字眼，觉得它们只会发生在其他地方的其它人身上。但事实是，不健康的关系以及虐待就在我们身边。我们只是将它们换了个说法并忽略了它们之间的联系。虐待伪装成了不健康的爱偷偷地发生在我们身上。

01:49
I work for an organization called One Love started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. This was a tragedy no one saw coming, but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there just no one understood what they were seeing. Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, which was clear signs of danger.
我在一个叫做“唯爱"的组织工作，它由一个家庭成立，这个家庭的女儿亚德利被前男友杀害。 这是一个没有人可以预见到的悲剧，但是回过头来看，他们意识到之前就存在蛛丝马迹，只是当时没人看出来。 这些被称为疯狂或者戏剧或酗酒的行为，他行为的真正含义并没有真的被理解，而这些都是非常清晰的危险信号。

02:15
Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't. We have three main goals: give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's * awkward and uncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help; and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.
她的家人意识到， 如果之前有人被教育过如何识别这些信号，她的死亡是可以避免的。所以今天我们的任务是确保其他人都能获得亚德利和她朋友之前不了解的信息。我们有三个主要的目标：给予我们一种语言去谈论一个非常尴尬并且会引起不适的话题；给朋友权力去帮助你；并在这个过程中提高我们爱的能力。

02:44
To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we * miss, and our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand, but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provoking pieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
为了做到这些，很重要的一点是从阐明那些我们经常会错过的不健康信号开始，而我们的工作就是专注于创造内容来和年轻人对话。正如你所料，这个主题的大多数谈话内容都非常严肃，鉴于目前的主题，我今天打算用一种轻松愉快，同时也是发人深思的方式，即“对偶”法来阐明不健康的爱的五种标志。

03:06
The first is intensity.
第一个是紧张。
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.
（视频）蓝：几天不见，非常想你。
Orange: I've missed you too.
橘：我也想你。
(that’s love)
这是爱
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime. What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?
蓝：五分钟不见，感觉像一生那么漫长。我不在的这五分钟里你做了什么呢？
Orange: It's been three minutes.
才三分钟好吧。
(that’s not love)
（这不是爱）

03:09
Abusive relationships don't start out abusive. They start out exciting and exhilarating. There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating. You feel it in your gut. Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says "I love you" faster than you were ready for or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot. Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, even though they know you had other things going on that day. It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves. It's important in the early days of a new relationship to pay attention to how you're feeling. Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe? It's also really important to start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs. Are your * respected?
有人意识到了吗？虐待关系并不是从虐待开始的。它们是从激动和兴奋开始的。这是一种强烈的情感和情绪，一种冲动。感觉非常美好。你觉得自己如此的幸运，像中了大奖。但在不健康的爱中，这些感觉会随着时间的推移而改变，从兴奋到压仰，甚至可能还有点窒息。你的直觉能感受到。这可能是你新交的男朋友或女朋友，在你没准备好时就说“我爱你”，或开始无处不在，不停发信息、打电话给你时。也可能是他们对你的不及时回复感到不耐烦，尽管他们也知道你还有其它的事情要做时。重点是记住：一段感情如何开始不重要，重要的是如何发展。重要的是，在一段新关系的早期，我们应该关注自己的情绪。你对这种亲近的速度感到舒适吗？你觉得自己还有喘息的空间吗？ 同样重要的是，学会表达自己的需求。你的请求被尊重了吗？

04:13
A second marker is isolation.
第二个标志是孤立。
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
（视频）橘2：一起出去玩吧？
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
橘1：星期一是我和男朋友约会的日子。
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
橘2：一起出去玩吧？
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
橘1：星期一是我和男朋友约会的日子。
Orange 2: Tomorrow?
橘2：那明天呢？
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
橘1：星期二是我们的打盹日。
Orange 2: Wednesday?
橘2：那星期三？
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
橘1：那是我们的独处日。

04:16
If you ask me, isolation is one of the most * missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. Why? Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire to spend time together, it's easy to miss when something shifts. Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends and family, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them. They might say things like, "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers" about your best friends, or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us" about your family.Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt about everyone from your prerelationship life. Healthy love includes independence, two people who love spending time together but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before. While at first you might spend every waking minute together, over time maintaining independence is key. You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them and encouraging your partner to do the same.
如果你问我，我会说孤立是最常被忽视和误解的不健康爱的信号之一。为什么这么说呢？因为每一段新感情总是从强烈想要花时间待在一起开始的，我们很容易忽视事物的变化。孤立就悄然发生在当你的新男朋友或女朋友开始拉着你脱离你的家人和朋友，你的支撑体系，并将你牢牢地拴在身边时。他们可能会这样说，“为什么要跟他们出去玩？他们只是一群失败者。” 他指的是你最好的朋友。或者“他们想拆散我们，他们完全反对我们。”他指的是你的家人。孤立就是在你的前感情生活中对每个人播下怀疑的种子。健康的爱也包括独立，两个人喜欢花时间在一起，但也会继续跟之前关心的人和活动保持联系。刚开始的时候你们可能每分每秒都在一起，但随着时间的推移，保持独立成了关键。你可以和朋友们一起规划并坚持执行，并且鼓励你的伴侣也这样做。