介绍： 2 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
打造幸福婚姻，避免离婚的三个方法

speaker：Dr. George Blair-West，an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry.

00:00
Number two, John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher, can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, s...

介绍： 2 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
打造幸福婚姻，避免离婚的三个方法

speaker：Dr. George Blair-West，an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry.

00:00
Number two, John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher, can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage. But the one that I want to talk about is a big one: 81 percent of marriages implode, self-destruct, if this problem is present. And the second reason why I want to talk about it here is because it's something you can evaluate while you're dating. Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy over the longer term were relationships in which the couple shared power. They were influenceable: big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a car, having children. But when Gottman drilled down on this data, what he found was that women were generally pretty influenceable. Guess where the problem lay?
第二。心理学家和关系研究员约翰·戈特曼可以告诉我们许多与幸福和成功的婚姻相关的因素。但我想谈的是个很大的因素。存在这个问题的婚姻中有80%会破裂并走向终结。我想在这里谈论它，是因为你在约会时就可以对它进行评估。戈特曼发现，那些最稳定和幸福的长期关系中，夫妻双方会共享权力。他们相互影响：在大决定的决定上，比如买房子，出国旅行，买车，生孩子。但是当戈特曼深入研究这些数据时，他发现女性通常都是易受影响的。猜猜问题在哪里？

01:02
Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there? Yeah, we men were to blame. The other thing that Gottman found is that men who are influenceable also tended to be "outstanding fathers." So women: How influenceable is your man? Men: you're with her because you respect her. Make sure that respect plays out in the decision-making process.
没错，这里只有两个选择。是的，责任在我们男人身上。戈特曼发现的另一件事是，愿意被影响的男人也往往被认为是“杰出的父亲。”那么女士们，你的男人有多么愿意受你影响？先生们：你和她在一起，因为你尊重她。请确保你在做决定时也会带着这样的尊重。

01:42
Number three. I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me after they've been married for 30 or 40 years. This is a time when they're approaching the infirmities and illness of old age. It's a time when they're particularly focused on caring for each other. They'll forgive things that have bugged them for years. They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities, because they're focused on caring for each other. So what pulls them apart? The best word I have for this is reliability, or the lack thereof. Does your partner have your back? It takes two forms. Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say they're going to do? Do they follow through? Secondly, if, for example, you're out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody, or you're suffering from a really disabling illness, does your partner step up and do what needs to be done to leave you feeling cared for and protected? And here's the rub: if you're facing old age, and your partner isn't doing that for you -- in fact, you're having to do that for them -- then in an already-fragile relationship, it can look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it.
第三。我常常很好奇，为什么那些夫妻在结婚了三四十年之后才来找我。在这段时期，他们正在经历高龄带来的衰弱和疾病，也正是在这段时期，他们特别专注于彼此照顾。他们会原谅多年来困扰他们的事。他们会原谅旧日的背叛甚至不忠，因为他们专注于彼此关怀。那么是什么把他们分开了呢？对此，我能想到的最恰当的词是可靠性，或缺乏可靠性。你的伴侣支持你吗？支持有两种形式。首先，你相信你的伴侣会说到做到吗？他们会坚持到底吗？其次，比如说，如果你出门在外被人用言辞羞辱，或者你患有一种让你生活无法自理的疾病， 你的伴侣是否会做出相应的行动，让你感到被人照顾和保护？

03:09
So is your partner there for you when it really matters? Not all the time, 80 percent of the time, but particularly if it's important to you. On your side, think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner. It is much better to commit to as much as you can follow through than to commit to more sound-good-in-the-moment and then let them down. And if it's really important to your partner, and you commit to it, make sure you move hell and high water to follow through.
这就是问题所在：如果你已步入暮年，而你的伴侣并没有做到这些——事实上，你反而不得不为他们这样做——而你们的关系已经脆弱不堪，那么看上去脱离这段关系对你来说更好。 站在你的角度考虑，在重要的时候，你的伴侣会陪着你吗？我不是说所有的时间，80%的时间，特别是在很重要的事情上。对你来说，在你对伴侣做出承诺前要三思而行。能够量力而行的做出承诺，相比当时信誓旦旦，后来却让他们失望要好得多。如果这对你的伴侣非常重要，并且你已经做出了承诺，请确保你无论如何都要兑现诺言。

03:50
Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for. Don't worry, these are also things that can be built in existing relationships. I believe that the most important decision that you can make is who you choose as a life partner, who you choose as the other parent of your children. And of course, romance has to be there. Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing. But we need to add to a romantic, loving heart an informed, thoughtful mind, as we make the most important decision of our life.
这些就是你可以审视的东西。不过别担心，这些也可以在现有的关系中建立。我认为，你可以做出的最重要的决定就是选择谁作为生活伴侣，选择谁作为孩子的另一个家长。当然，浪漫不能少，浪漫是一件盛大，美丽而又神奇的事情。但当我们做出生命中最重要的决定时，还要怀有一颗浪漫的，充满爱的心，以及一个理解的，体贴周到的头脑。

Thank you.