介绍： 1 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
打造幸福婚姻，避免离婚的三个方法

speaker：Dr. George Blair-West，an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry.

00:05
Almost 50 years ago, psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory of the most distressing human expe...

介绍： 1 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
打造幸福婚姻，避免离婚的三个方法

speaker：Dr. George Blair-West，an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry.

00:05
Almost 50 years ago, psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory of the most distressing human experiences that we could have. Number one on the list? Death of a spouse. Number two, divorce. Three, marital separation. Now, generally, but not always, for those three to occur, we need what comes in number seven on the list, which is marriage.
差不多五十年前，精神病学家理查德·赖特和托马斯·赫姆斯列出了一份清单，包含了我们所能拥有的最痛苦的人类经历。排名第一的是配偶的去世。第二：离婚。第三：婚内分居。 通常是这样，但并非总是如此，要让这三件事情发生，我们需要先实现名单上的第七条，也就是婚姻。

00:37
Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution. Now, some say number seven has been counted twice.
名单上的第四条是在监狱里被监禁。有人会说第七条已经算了两次。（将婚姻比做囚牢）

00:49
I don't believe that.
对此我并不认同。

00:52
When the life stress inventory was built, back then, a long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage. Not so now. So for the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including de facto relationships, common-law marriages and same-sex marriages, or same-sex relationships soon hopefully to become marriages. And I can say from my work with same-sex couples, the principles I'm about to talk about are no different. They're the same across all relationships.
在那个一旦建立生活压力清单的年代， 一段长期的关系几乎就等同于婚姻。现在情况已经不同了，为了本次演讲的目的，我将会考虑同居关系，事实婚姻，以及同性婚姻，或者说同性关系，希望很快会成为婚姻。基于我与若干对同性伴侣的合作，我要谈的原则没有什么不同，它们在所有关系中都适用。

01:27
So in a modern society, we know that prevention is better than cure. We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles. We have awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes -- all important campaigns. But none of those conditions come close to affecting 45 percent of us. Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate. Why no prevention campaign for divorce?
在现代社会中，我们知道预防胜于治疗。我们接种疫苗预防脊髓灰质炎，白喉，破伤风，百日咳，麻疹。我们还开展了关于黑色素瘤、中风、糖尿病的认知运动。这些都是重要的运动， 但其中没有一项能影响接近45%的人口。45%，这就是我们目前的离婚率。为什么没有预防离婚的运动？

02:02
Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe that things like attraction and the way relationships are built is changeable or educable. Why? Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X. They're in their 30s to 50s. And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues, I see their eyes glaze over, and I can see them thinking, "Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it? You can't control the way in which people attract other people and build relationships." Not so, our dear millennials. This is the most information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation, making the most informed decisions of any generation before them. And when I talk to millennials, I get a very different reaction. They actually want to hear about this. They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?
我认为这是因为我们的政策制定者不相信吸引力和建立关系的方式是可以改变的，或者可以教育的。为什么呢？事实上，目前我们的政策制定者是X一代，他们的年龄在30至60岁。当我和这些人谈论这些问题时，我看到他们一脸茫然，很显然他们在想：“难道这个疯狂的精神病学家不明白吗？你不能控制人们相互吸引和建立关系的方式。”而对我们亲爱的千禧一代来说并不是这样。这是信息联系最紧密、分析能力最强、最具怀疑精神的一代，相比之前的任何一代人，他们能做出最明智的决定。当我和千禧一代交谈时，我得到了一个非常不同的反应。他们乐意洗耳恭听。他们想知道我们该如何维持长久的关系。

03:09
So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with me, let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce. Now, we can intervene to prevent divorce at two points: later, once the cracks begin to appear in an established relationship; or earlier, before we commit, before we have children. And that's where I'm going to take us now.
所以，对于那些想和我一起拥抱“后浪漫命运”时代的人，不妨听我说说三个防止离婚的生活技巧。我们可以在两个时间点进行干预，以防止离婚：在后期，当一个确定的关系出现了裂缝；或者在早期，在我们做出承诺之前，生孩子之前，这就是我现在要讨论的时期。

03:37
So my first life hack: millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a day. That's American data. And some say, probably not unreasonably, this has probably affected their face-to-face relationships. Indeed, and add to that the hookup culture, ergo apps like Tinder, and it's no great surprise that the 20-somethings that I work with will often talk to me about how it is often easier for them to have s-e-x with somebody that they've met than have a meaningful conversation.
我的第一个生活技巧：千禧一代每天花在电子设备上的时间达到了七小时以上。这是美国的数据。有人说，该说法可能不无道理，这可能会影响他们面对面时的关系，的确，而且这种“牵线文化”催生了像Tinder这样的应用程序，这也难怪，与我合作的那些20多岁的年轻人往往会和我谈到，相比展开一次有意义的对话，跟遇到的人直接发生性关系，常常更容易。

04:13
Now, some say this is a bad thing. I say this is a really good thing. It's a particularly good thing to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage. Now, before you go out and get all moral on me, remember that Generation X, in the American Public Report, they found that 91 percent of women had had premarital sex by the age of 30. Ninety-one percent. It's a particularly good thing that these relationships are happening later. See, boomers in the '60s -- they were getting married at an average age for women of 20 and 23 for men. 2015 in Australia? That is now 30 for women and 32 for men. That's a good thing, because the older you are when you get married, the lower your divorce rate. Why? Why is it helpful to get married later? Three reasons.
有人说这是件坏事儿。我却说这真是一件好事儿。在婚姻制度之外发生性关系尤其是件好事儿。不过在你开始评论我的道德观之前，别忘了，在《美国公共报告》中，他们发现X一代中有91%的女性在30岁之前有过婚前性行为。91%，这些关系在较晚的时候发生尤其是个好现象。 想想看，60 年代婴儿潮时期出生的人们——他们结婚时女性平均为20 岁，男性为23岁。2015年澳大利亚的数据表明，女性婚龄推迟到30岁，男性是32岁。这是件好事，因为你越是晚婚，离婚率就越低。为什么呢？为什么晚婚有助于维持婚姻？有三个原因。

05:17
Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce to come into play. They are tertiary education and a higher income, which tends to go with tertiary education. So these three factors all kind of get mixed up together. Number two, neuroplasticity research tell us that the human brain is still growing until at least the age of 25. So that means how you're thinking and what you're thinking is still changing up until 25. And thirdly, and most importantly to my mind, is personality. Your personality at the age of 20 does not correlate with your personality at the age of 50. But your personality at the age of 30 does correlate with your personality at the age of 50. So when I ask somebody who got married young why they broke up, and they say, "We grew apart," they're being surprisingly accurate, because the 20s is a decade of rapid change and maturation. So the first thing you want to get before you get married is older.
首先，晚婚可以让防止离婚的另外两个因素发挥作用，即高等教育和较高的收入，这样的人也往往愿意与高学历的人结婚。这三个因素几乎是交织在一起的。第二：神经可塑性研究告诉我们，人类的大脑在25岁之前仍然在发育。这意味着你的思维方式以及你所思考的事物在25岁之前都是不断变化的。第三，对我来说最重要的是人格。你在20岁时的人格与50岁时的人格并不相关。但是你在30岁时的人格与50岁时的人格有关。所以，当我问一个早婚的人他们为什么分手，他们会说，“我们都变了。”真是一语中的，因为20多岁正是人们迅速变化和成熟的十年。所以你在结婚前想做的第一件事就是变老。