介绍： 2 How understanding divorce can help your marriage
理解离婚对你的婚姻有帮助

Speaker:Jeannie Suk Gersen,writes on the legal complexities of the United States's evolving attitudes towards women's rights, sexual harassment and the interplay between law and politics.

00:00
If the two of them had thought about t...

介绍： 2 How understanding divorce can help your marriage
理解离婚对你的婚姻有帮助

Speaker:Jeannie Suk Gersen,writes on the legal complexities of the United States's evolving attitudes towards women's rights, sexual harassment and the interplay between law and politics.

00:00
If the two of them had thought about their split early on, what might have gone differently? Well, it's possible that Lisa would have decided that she would take loans or work a part-time job in order to support her own tuition so that Andy wouldn't have had to bear the entire burden for that. And Andy might have decided to take that job in that other city and maybe the two of them would have commuted for a couple of years while Lisa finished her degree.
如果他们两个人之前就考虑过可能会分开，事情可能会发生怎样的改变？丽莎或许会决定 申请贷款，或者做临时工来支付自己的学费，这样安迪就不用负担学费的所有压力。而安迪可能会决定接受另一座城市的工作机会，或许在丽莎拿到学位之前他俩要异地几年。

00:32
So let's take another couple, Emily and Deb. They live in a big city, they have two children, they both work. Emily gets a job in a small town, and they decide to move there together. And Deb quits her job to look after the children full-time. Deb leaves behind an extended family, her friends and a job that she really liked. And in that small town, Deb starts to feel isolated and lonely. And 10 years later, Deb has an affair, and things fall apart.
我们再看一下另一对伴侣，艾米莉和黛布的例子。她们住在一个大城市，有两个孩子，两个人都在工作。艾米莉获得了在某个小镇的工作机会，于是她们决定一起搬到那里。黛布辞了职，全职照看小孩。她离开了她的大家庭，她的朋友，以及一份喜欢的工作。在那个小城镇里，黛布开始感到孤独与寂寞。10 年后，黛布有了婚外情，然后她们的婚姻破裂了。

01:11
Now, the marriage mediator who would have come in before they moved and before Deb quit her job might have asked them, "What do your choices about childcare do to the obligations you have to each other? How do they affect your relationship? Because you have to remember that there is no such thing as free childcare."
假设婚姻调解员在她们搬家以及黛布辞职前同样介入，调解员可能会问她们：“你们对育儿方式的选择会怎样影响到你们之间的义务权衡？会如何影响到你们的关系？因为你们得记住一点，没有免费育儿这种东西。”

01:35
If the two of them had thought about their split beforehand, what would have gone differently? Well, maybe Deb would have realized a little better how much her family and her friends were important to her precisely in what she was taking on, which is full-time parenthood. Perhaps Emily, in weighing the excitement of the new job offer might have also thought about what that would mean for the cost to Deb and what would be owed to Deb as a result of her taking on full-time parenthood.
如果她们两个人先前考虑过可能会分手，事情可能会发生怎样的改变？黛布可能会更清楚地意识到她的家人和朋友对她来讲是如此重要，尤其是在她选择成为全职家长的这种情况下。 或许艾米莉沉浸在获得新工作的兴奋之余，可能也会考虑到她的决定，对黛布来说意味着多大的牺牲，而且由于黛布成为全职家长，艾米莉会亏欠黛布多少。

02:14
So, let's go back to Lisa and Andy. Lisa had an inheritance from her grandmother before the marriage. And when they got married, they bought a home, and Lisa put that inheritance toward a down payment on that home. And then Andy of course worked to make the mortgage payments. And all of their premarital and marital property became joined. That inheritance is now marital property. So, in a split, what's going to happen? They're going to have to sell the house and split the proceeds, or one of them can buy the other out.
让我们再回到丽莎和安迪的例子。丽莎在婚前从她祖母那里获得了一笔遗产。当他们结婚买房子的时候，丽莎用那笔遗产付了首付。之后自然就由安迪工作来付后面的房贷。他们所有的婚前与婚后财产都合并了。那笔遗产现在变成了共同财产。那么如果他们离婚，会发生什么？他们将不得不卖了房子，平分卖房所得，或者他们其中一人可以买下整座房子。

02:52
So this marriage mediator, if they had talked to them before all of this happened, that person would have asked, "What do you want to keep separate and what do you want to keep together? And how does that choice actually support the security of the marriage? Because you have to remember that what's yours, probably, will become ours, unless you actually are mindful and take steps to do otherwise."
如果在这一切发生之前，他们和婚姻调解员谈话，调解员会问：“你想保留什么作为个人财产， 你想保留什么作为夫妻共同财产？你们的选择会如何确保婚姻安全？因为你们得记住， 如今是你的，可能之后会变成你们的，除非你真的非常注意，并采取应对和防范措施。”

03:25
So if they had thought about their split, maybe they would have decided differently, maybe Lisa would have thought, "Maybe the inheritance can stay separate," and saved for a day when they might actually need it. And maybe the mortgage that they took on wouldn't have been as onerous, and maybe Andy wouldn't have had to work so hard to make those payments. And maybe he would have become less resentful. Maybe they would have lived in a smaller house and been content to do that.
如果他们考虑过可能会分开，他们或许会做出不同的决定。或许丽莎会想：“也许这笔遗产可以作为我的个人所有财产先存着，等到以后可能会用到的那一天。”或许他们不会申请如此繁重的房贷，这样安迪就不用如此辛苦地工作来还房贷，或许他就不会变得那么愤懑。他们可能会住在小一点的房子里，并为此感到快乐满足。

03:55
The point is, if they had had a divorce-conscious discussion about what to keep separate, their marriage might have been more connected and more together. Too often in marriage, we make sacrifices, and we demand them, without reckoning their cost. But there is wisdom in looking at the price tags attached to our marital decisions in just the way that divorce law teaches us to do.
重点是，如果他们曾进行过带有离婚意识的讨论——关于什么作为个人私有——他们婚姻的联系会变得更紧密，归属感会变得更强烈。我们在婚姻中总是牺牲自我，我们也要求伴侣做出牺牲，却未曾思考各自所付出的代价。但以离婚法教导我们的方式，来看待我们的婚姻决定所附带的代价是很明智的。

04:28
What I want is for people to think about their marital bargains through the lens of divorce. And to ask, "How is marriage a sacrifice, but an exchange of sacrifice? How do we think about our exchange?" Second: "How do we think about childcare and deal with the fact that there is no such thing as free childcare?" "How do we deal with the fact that some things can be separate and some things can be together, and if we don't think about it, then it will all be part of the joint enterprise."
我希望人们能够通过离婚的角度来思考婚姻的得失，并且自问：“如何将婚姻的牺牲变为一种相互牺牲的交换？我们该如何思考彼此的交换？”第二：“我们该如何思考育儿，并且面对没有免费育儿的这个事实？”“我们该如何处理以下的事实——有些东西能分开而，有些东西能合并到一起，倘若我们不思考这件事，那么以后所有的东西都将共有。”

05:10
So basically, what I want to leave you with is that in marriage or divorce, people should think about the way that "till death do us part" marriage is forever.
所以总的来说，我想要传达给各位的是，不论在一段婚姻还是一场离婚中，人们都应该谨记， “直到死亡将我们分开”的婚姻方式代表着永恒。

Thank you.