介绍： 2 we don't "move on" from grief.we move forward with it
我们不背弃痛苦前进，而是带着痛苦前进

00:00
Most of the conversations that we have in the group can and will just stay amongst ourselves,but there are things that we talk about that the rest of the world -- the world that is grief-adjacent but not yet gr...

介绍： 2 we don't "move on" from grief.we move forward with it
我们不背弃痛苦前进，而是带着痛苦前进

00:00
Most of the conversations that we have in the group can and will just stay amongst ourselves,but there are things that we talk about that the rest of the world -- the world that is grief-adjacent but not yet grief-stricken --could really benefit from hearing.
我们在小组里面大部分的聊天内容，都只有我们自己人知道，不过我们谈论的事情有很多，那就是世界上大部分的人的悲痛都是邻近的，但人们又不至于被极度悲伤。我们真的可以从听这些人的谈论中受益良多。

00:14
And if you can’t tell,I’m only interested in / capable of unscientific studies,so what I did was go to The Hot Young Widows Cluband say, "Hello, friends, remember when your person died?" They did.Do you remember all the things people said to you?Oh, yeah.Which ones did you hate the most?I got a lot of comments, lot of answers, people say a lot of things,but two rose to the top pretty quickly.Moving on.
况且，如果你不知道，我只对一些非科学的课题感兴趣/擅长，所以我去到了“性感年轻寡妇俱乐部”问里面的成员：“朋友们，你们记得自己身边最亲的人什么时候过世吗？”他们记得。我又问：“那你们记得清 他们对你说过的话吗？”“当然。”“那他们说的哪一句话是你们最讨厌的呢？”我的问题得到了很多的回答，所有人都发表了自己的看法，不过许多人都有提到这个答案。那就是：放下吧。

00:41
Now, since 2014,I will tell you I have remarried a very handsome man named Matthew,we have four children in our blended family,we live in the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.We have a rescue dog.
那么，从2014年直至现在，我已经和一个叫马修的帅哥再婚了，我们一起养育来自不同家庭的四个小孩，并一起住在美国明尼苏达州的郊区- 明尼阿波里斯市，也救了一只流浪狗。

00:58
I drive a minivan,like the kind where doors open and I don’t even touch them.Like, by any "mezhure," life is good.I’ve also never said "mezhure," I’ve never once said it that way.I don’t know where that came from.I’ve never heard anyone else say it that way.
我现在还拥有一辆小卡车，是我不需要用手就可以把车门打开的那种小卡车。就好像，以任何“尺度”来说，生活是美好的。但我不曾用那种发音说过 ”尺度“这个字，一次都不曾。
对于这个字的出处我甚至毫无头绪。因为我从不曾听过有谁用这个发音去说过这个单词。

01:20
It looks like it should be said that way,and that’s why the English language is trash, so ...So impressed with anyone who, like, speaks it in addition to a language that makes sense -- good job.
但那单词就像是本该如此发音的一样，你们也知道，为什么英语这门语言很”垃圾“，所以...
所以，我很佩服有人会喜欢说这么不靠谱的语言-- 干得好。

01:33
But by any measure ...By any measure, life is really, really good, but I haven’t "moved on."I haven’t moved on, and I hate that phrase so much,and I understand why other people do.
不过以任何衡量标准来说...以任何衡量标准来说，生活真的很美好，但我并未真正“放下”。我还没有真正忘记以前的伤痛，并且非常讨厌“放下”这个词汇。当然，我能够理解为什么其他人和我一样也不喜欢这个词汇。
01:45
Because what it says is that Aaron’s life and death and love are just moments that I can leave behind me -- and that I probably should.
因为用忘记伤痛这个说法 就好像是在说艾伦的生命，他的死亡以及我们之间的爱都只是一瞬间的事情，好像我下一秒就可以潇洒地把这段关系抛诸脑后，又或许是我应该那么做。

01:55
And when I talk about Aaron, I slip so easily into the present tense,and I’ve always thought that made we weird.And then I noticed that everybody does it.
所以每次谈起他，我总是那么顺其自然地就使用了现在时语法，而我也一直认为我这个举动在外人眼中很奇怪。但我惊奇地发现身边的人大多都和我一样。

02:05
And it’s not because we are in denial or because we’re forgetful,it’s because the people we love, who we’ve lost,are still so present for us.
可这样并不代表我们拒绝接受亲人的死亡，或者是忘了他们死亡的事实仅仅是因为我们爱的，失去的那些人对我们来说依然那么的活灵活现。

02:16
So, when I say, "Oh, Aaron is ..."It’s because Aaron still is.And it’s not in the way that he was before,which was much better,and it’s not in the way that churchy people try to tell me that he would be.
每当我说起：“哦，艾伦还在干嘛干嘛”那只是因为艾伦对我来说还是存在的。并不是以他之前的方式存在——（他活着时）那比现在好太多了，他也不是像教会那些人告诉我的那样

02:30
It’s just that he’s indelible,and so he is present for me.Here,he’s present for me in the work that I do,in the child that we had together,in these three other children I’m raising,who never met him, who share none of his DNA,but who are only in my life because I had Aaron and because I lost Aaron.
我只是无法忘记他，就算他走了，在我的潜意识里，他还是存在在我的生命中的。就像在这里，对于我现在的工作而言，他作为故事的主角存在着，对于我们俩的孩子，他作为一个父亲存在着，对于我养育的其他三个孩子来说他也是存在的，就算三个小孩不是他亲生的，也没有见过艾伦本人，但是正是因为艾伦的存在，他们才能够走进我的人生，毕竟是我失去了艾伦之后，才有机会碰到他们。

02:55
He’s present in my marriage to Matthew,because Aaron’s life and love and death made me the person that Matthew wanted to marry.So I’ve not moved on from Aaron,I’ve moved forward with him.
在我和马修的婚姻里他也是存在的，因为正是因为艾伦的生命，他的爱和死亡教会我的事
把我塑造成一个马修想娶回家的女人。所以，我其实并不是忘记艾伦 死亡的伤痛后继续前进，而是在接受了他离开的事实，带着他和我们的回忆继续生活。

03:20
We spread Aaron’s ashes in his favorite river in Minnesota,and when the bag was empty --because when you’re cremated, you fit into a plastic bag --there were still ashes stuck to my fingers.
我们把艾伦的骨灰撒在了他最喜欢的河里面，在明尼苏达州。当我把整个袋子的骨灰都倒进河里面之后，因为尸体火葬之后，他们会把骨灰装进一个袋子里面，我的手指其实还沾附着 一些剩余的骨灰。

03:32
And I could have just put my hands in the water and rinsed them,but instead, I licked my hands clean,because I was so afraid of losing more than I had already lost,and I was so desperate to make sure that he would always be a part of me.
其实那时候我大可直接把手 放进河里冲洗干净，但我没有，相反的，我用舌头把手指上的骨灰舔干净，因为失去他之后，我已经不能承受再失去任何有关他的东西，我是那么渴望地想要确认他永远会是我生命中的一部分

03:50
But of course he would be.Because when you watch your person fill himself with poison for three years,just so he can stay alive a little bit longer with you,that stays with you.
但现在想想，他早就是了。当你看到你的爱人三年内不断地尝试各种药物，只为了让他的身体能够再撑久一点，再活久一点，然后尽可能用仅剩的时间和你待在一起。