介绍： 3 A better way to talk about love
如何更好地谈论爱情

Speaker:Mandy Len Catron，writer.

00:00:
what’s interesting to me is that all of this happens in a culture that values lifelong monogamy.it seems like we want it both ways:we want love to feel like madness,and we want it to last an entire lifetime.that s...

介绍： 3 A better way to talk about love
如何更好地谈论爱情

Speaker:Mandy Len Catron，writer.

00:00:
what’s interesting to me is that all of this happens in a culture that values lifelong monogamy.it seems like we want it both ways:we want love to feel like madness,and we want it to last an entire lifetime.that sounds terrible.to reconcile this,we need to either change our culture or change our expectations.so,imagine if we were all less passive in love.if we were more assertive,more open-minded,more generous and instead of falling in love,we stepped into love.
而对我来说有趣的是，这一切都发生在一个鼓励终生一夫一妻制的文化里，这好像是说我们想两者兼得：我们既想让爱情疯狂一些，我们又想让它持续一生。这听起来糟透了。要缓解这种情况，我们要不改变我们的文化，要不改变我们的期望。请各位想象一下如果我们所有人的爱情都没有那么被动，如果我们更加自信、心胸更加宽广、开放，我们不再“陷入”爱河，我们“步入”爱河。

00:43:
I know that this is asking a lot,but I’m not actually the first person to suggest this.in their book,”Metaphors We Live By,”linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution to this dilemma,which is to change our metaphors.they argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world,and that they can even act as a guide for future actions,like self-fulfilling prophecies.Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love:
我知道这个要求有点高，但我并不是第一个提出这点的人，在《我们赖以生存的隐喻》一书中，语言学家马可·约翰逊和乔治·拉克夫建议了一个非常有趣的方法来解决这一矛盾，那就是改变我们的比喻。他们认为，比喻真的可以左右我们感受世界的方式，甚至可以成为我们未来行动的指引，就像自我实现的预言。约翰逊和拉克夫提出了爱情的一种新比喻：

01:20:
love as a collaborative work of art.I really like this way of thinking about love.Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments,which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of,or ideas contained within,a given metaphor.and Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything that collaborating on a work of art entails:effort,compromise,patience,shared goals.
爱情是一个合作完成的艺术品。我很喜欢这种看待爱情的方式。语言学家运用比喻是有很多内涵的，其实就是说喻体中包含了本体的几乎一切含义与概念。而约翰逊和克拉夫的比喻涉及到了合作创作艺术品的所有含义：努力、妥协、耐心、共同的目标等等。

01:48:
these ideas align nicely with our cultural investment in long-term romantic commitment,but they also work well for other kinds of relationships--short-term,casual,poly-amorous,non-monogamous,asexual--because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas to the experience of loving someone.so if love is a collaborative work of art,then love is an aesthetic experience.love is enpredictable,love is creative,love requires communication and discipline,it is frustrating and emotionally demanding.and love involves both joy and pain.
这些概念与我们在长期恋情中做出的文化投入很契合，但他们同样适用于其它各种恋爱关系。短期的、随意的多角恋的、非一夫一妻制的、无性恋的...因为这种比喻在恋爱的体验中赋予了更多复杂的概念。所以加入爱情是合作完成的艺术品，那么爱情就是一种美学体验。爱情是无法预测的，爱情是创造性的，爱情需要沟通和规矩，爱情是令人沮丧的，会造成很多精神压力。而爱情中既有快乐，也有痛苦。

02:35:
ultimately each experience of love is different.when I was younger,it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love,that I didn’t have to just accept whatever love offered.when 14-year-old Juliet first meets--or,when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo,whom she has met four days ago,she does not feel disappointed or angsty.where is she?she wants to die.right?and just as a refresher at this point in the play,act three of five,Romeo is not dead.he’s a-l-i-v-e,he’s healthy,he’s just been banished from the city.
而最终每段爱情经历都是不同的，当我还年轻的时候，我从来没想过我可以从爱情中寻求更多，或者说我不会全盘接受爱情给我带来的感受。当14岁的朱丽叶第一次见到...或者说当14岁的朱丽叶不能和罗密欧在一起，她才认识罗密欧四天时间，她不觉得失落或痛苦。她怎么了？她想寻死，对吧？大家回忆一下，戏剧演到这里的时候，是五幕中的第三幕，罗密欧并没有死，他还活着，他很健康，他只是被驱逐出城了。

03:23:
I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America,and yet when I first read this play,also at age 14,Juliet’s suffering made sense to me.reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire,rather than something that just happens to me without my control or consent,is empowering.it’s still hard.love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days,and when I feel really frustrated,I have to remind myself:
我明白当时16世纪的维也纳不像当今的北美，而当我第一次读这个戏剧的时候，同样也在14岁，我能够感受到朱丽叶的痛苦，把爱情当作某种我和我爱的人共同创造的东西，而不是一个不经我控制或同意就发生在我身上的东西，这想法非常激动人心。这依然很难做到。爱情有时候还是让我陷入疯狂与痛苦，而当我感到特别沮丧时，我必须提醒自己：

04:05:
my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner about what I want to make together.this isn’t easy,either.but it’s just so much better than alternative,which is that thing that feels like madness.this version of love is not about winning or losing someone’s affection.instead,it requires that you trust your partner and talk about things when trusting feels difficult,which sounds so simple,but is actually a kind of revolutionary,radical act.
在这段关系中，我的任务是与伴侣交流，沟通我们想要共同创造的东西。其实这也不容易，但它已经比另一种方式要好很多了，那就是将爱情当作疯狂的体验。这种爱情不是为了赢取或者失去某人的爱慕，而是需要你相信你的伴侣，而且当遇到信任危机时冷静交流，虽说听起来很容易，但这实际上是挺革命性、颠覆性的。

04:40:
this is because you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship,and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.this version of love allows us to say things like,”hey,we’re not very good collaborators.maybe this isn’t for us.”or,”that relationship was shorter than I had planned,but it was still kind of b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l.”the b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l thing about the collaborative of art is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself.this version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.thank you.
因为你可以不再纠结于自身，不再纠缠自己在爱情中的得失，而开始思考你可以做出什么贡献。这种爱情让我们可以这样说：“嘿，我们之间的合作不是很好。可能这不适合我们吧。”或者说，“这段爱情比我预计的要短一些，但它还是挺美好的吧。”一个合作完成的艺术品的魅力所在，就是它不会自己描绘或塑造自己。这种爱情让我们主动决定它的美。