介绍： Dear Captain,

This person was my closest female friend in the profession. We would spcialise and when things were going badly for me a couple of times in the last few years we have been friends, I would open up with her, share my problems and occasionally have a cry in her presence. I felt that we were open ...

介绍： Dear Captain,

This person was my closest female friend in the profession. We would spcialise and when things were going badly for me a couple of times in the last few years we have been friends, I would open up with her, share my problems and occasionally have a cry in her presence. I felt that we were open with each other and trusted each other. Friend has some boundaries that surprise me.

On New Year’s eve I texted friend saying that I was thinking of her, I had heard her terrible news, I was there for her if she needed support but that if she did not want ever to discuss the matter that would be okay with me. I wished her a better 2018. I got no reply.

I was waiting for her to reach out to me. She didn’t. I texted her a couple times offering to catch up for lunch or a drink. My texts were either ignored or she responded one word: “Can’t”. I let it go.

I saw her tonight at a networking event. I approached her and she was civil, but not friendly. She barely smiled that evening. I was unsure whether her behavior was directed towards me or whether she is just miserable. I made an effort to be friendly but to also give her space. Overall, friend’s behavior was markedly cold.

I now feel like friend has placed me in an awkward position. I feel like friend has pushed me away. I don’t know if this is because friend felt like I was not there after her still birth, but I complied with lady’s “no contact” instructions. What, if anything, should I do?

Thanks,
Puzzled

Hi Puzzled,
Your friend is going through some MAJOR STUFF right now. It’s highly possible that she did not want you to know about her loss at all – it seems in the past that you really opened up to her, but not necessarily vice versa – and she was totally thrown by the fact that her private news was public now. In other words, her coldness might not be “I hate you,” it might be more like “PLEASE DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS, I DON’T WANT TO CRY AT THIS NETWORKING EVENT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE DUDES.”

You say “I now feel like friend has placed me in an awkward position. I feel like friend has pushed me away.” Try to reframe this as “My friend does not have time or energy for me while she deals with her grief. I wish she did, but that’s not up to me. It’s okay if our friendship is not a priority for her right now.”

There’s the proverb that says “treat others as you would want to be treated” but in many cases it’s more loving to treat others the way they would want to be treated (by doing what they ask you to do, by reading their signals, respecting their boundaries).

Here are things you can do:
1 Repeat after me: “This isn’t about me.” 
2 Do not bring up sensitive topics with her again. Keeping things light and casual. “Hi, good to see you.” Let her take the lead in conversations, let her set the level of intimacy and seriousness.
3 Put your thoughtful, kind, loving energy into other friendships.
4 When and if the opportunity arises, be a great colleague to this person.