介绍： Hail Captain! (And Awkwardeers)

I come to you with a question regarding boundaries and the ways to professionally enforce them.

Some background: I’m a law student of a certain age (mid-30s) and a custodian to 2 cats (a black and a gray). Meaning that no matter what I wear, I’ve got some visible cat hair o...

介绍： Hail Captain! (And Awkwardeers)

I come to you with a question regarding boundaries and the ways to professionally enforce them.

Some background: I’m a law student of a certain age (mid-30s) and a custodian to 2 cats (a black and a gray). Meaning that no matter what I wear, I’ve got some visible cat hair on all my outfits. After being a cat mom for 10 years, I’ve come to terms with it.

However, for my 22 year old cohort-mate, this is a way of life she can’t abide. This young lady feels extremely free to reach out and being removing cat hair from my person whenever she’s within arm’s reach. But Captain, as an introvert and adult woman, I don’t like it when someone who’s not the list of approved “touch me whenever you like” people touches me.

Captain, I’ve told her repeatedly to stop, that I don’t care if there’s cat hair, that I like it just fine, that maybe I want to take my babies with me all day! Her response is “It bothers me” as if that’s a valid excuse for breaching the sacred three foot bubble.I want her to stop; I’ve told her to stop, but apparently what I want doesn’t much matter.

Captain, part of this program is hearing repeatedly that our professional community is very small, that we’re establishing our professional reputations, and that our behavior is being monitored. So making a scene isn’t an option I can take. I need some thoughts, or even a script on how to make a “professionally appropriate scene” to get this young woman to keep her hands to herself!
Any insights you can suggest would be appreciated,

Covered in Cat-hair

Dear Covered In Cat Hair:

You are both establishing your professional reputations right now. That means that she is on her way to establishing a professional reputation as someone who won’t stop touching a colleague even when told not to do it. That means that addressing this firmly – while she’s still a student –  is absolutely the right thing to do.

I suggest that the next time she reaches for you, you catch her hands between yours, look her in the eye, and say “[NAME], DON’T TOUCH ME.” Say it clearly and loudly. You want her to startle her. You want to attract a little bit attention. I know it’s uncomfortable, but hopefully you will only have to do it once.

To make it a little easier:
Practice with a friend ahead of time.
If you can, tell/alert a trusted friend in your program that you’re going to do this ahead of time.
Research your school’s harassment policy and complaint process. Hopefully you won’t need it, but it’s good to be informed.
Document this and all other incidents you can think of.

She will act like you are the one making it weird. “Your cat hair bothers me!” “It’s how I was brought up!” “I just do it ’cause I like you, like a sister.” “I can’t help it!” 
Say: “I don’t care why you do it. I have asked you not to touch me before. I am tired of asking. If you touch me again, I will make a formal complaint about it to the instructor/our program.” 

We all have to shed the idea that expecting someone not to touch us against our will in a professional setting is somehow unprofessional or rude or that it makes us “difficult” to work with. I also think it’s time to blow that norm and expectation right up, now and forever. People who can’t keep their hands to themselves are extremely difficult to work with. People who don’t like being manhandled are not the “difficult” ones. 

To that end, if you report this and you get any pressure about being “more professional” (i.e. “quiet”) or “needing to get along with people better” from instructors or your program, I want you to keep the focus on her reputation, her poor behavior, her poor understanding of norms, etc. You are giving them an opportunity to rectify a situation before it becomes worse.

It’s okay to make a fuss about this! She needs to keep her hands to herself, and if kindergarten-university and her family failed her, there’s no time like the present to learn that lesson.